Hogwarts Through the Ages
by GinnyPotterHarrysLover
Summary: Just imagine every badfic you've ever read morphed into one, nothing exempt. Beware: Abusive!Dursleys, Healing!Sex, Sexay!Snape, Slut!Hermione, random!Pairings, Slash, Smut, Luscious Lucius, Paddles, and Paddleballs.
1. And then there was smut

Before we begin this story I think that it is absolutely necessary that I start off with an Authors Note. First, I need to let everyone know that Peter Pettigrew will not be mentioned at all in this story due to my extreme dislike of him. What he did in canon has made it impossible for me to be able to bear to write him in any context.

Second, before you get too confused this story will cover both the marauder era and the current time period in which the books take place. There are two authors, Me (Emma) who will be writing the marauder era, and Haley, who will be writing the Trio time period. The chapters will alternate and the two stories are connected, thanks to a supersecret!plot twist at the end. Yes.

Also, this is a parody based off of every crap!fic that has graced these boards, and some others. Any gaps in logic or in the timeline of events were intentional, but feel free to spam our review board by bringing them to our attention. We like reviews. More importantly, we like flames. So, basically outside of a semi-illogical sequence of events, this fic contains the following: slash, smut, cutting, love potions, glamour spells, healing!sex, asspuppies, random authors notes based off of real authors notes (see , poor grammar, wild Slytherin parties, mary-sues, clubbing, slut!Hermione, Evil!Dumbledore, Sirius the Sex God, and sentient!Hogwarts. Plus whatever sick random other shit comes to our mind. You have been warned.

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The night was hot, the air stiff. There was a sense of foreboding in the atmosphere, as though something was about to happen. The summer was coming to a close, a new school year would be starting soon. The school could sense change, something important was going to happen with in its walls this year. Something that would change the course of wizard kind forever.

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"Fuck, James slow down! We have all night, the clubs aren't going anywhere!" Remus complained, as he tried to keep his broomstick straight in the windy night sky. He and James had snuck out of James manor after telling Mr. and Mrs. Potter that they were tired and wanted to go to bed early that evening. The plan was to fly into London (just a 30 minute flight from the manor) and hit as many of the hottest clubs they could before daybreak, when they would fly back and hit the sack before James's parents were any wiser.

"No can do Moony! We want to get there early, I'm telling you. I heard from Sirius they got a new bartender at the Moby Dick that we're going to want to check out." Sirius had moved out of the Potters place just a few weeks ago, claiming he had money from his great-uncles inheritance, so no one should worry about him.

"What new bartender? And damn it James! I can't keep up. Why don't you just take your bloody apparition test already? You know you'd pass."

"Yeah, but flying is so much more fun! Don't you just love the feeling of ecstasy that comes over you when you're riding a broom?" Remus shook his head. They could have left thirty minutes later if James would just get over this whole anti-apparation thing, and he could have spent a little more time on his hair. Remus sighed in annoyance as he thought about the new bartender at the Moby Dick. Was it really necessary for Sirius to be checking out other men? Wasn't he, Remus Lupin, enough?

They got to the Moby Dick at a quarter to nine. There was already a line forming at the door to get in, full of men in collars with leashes held by their partners, leather corsets, and stilettos. James fit right in with his tight new leather pants and silky purple shirt. Remus on the other hand, not accustomed to going to such clubs, stood out a little bit more, as he was dressed in a pair of worn jeans and a sweater vest under a white tee-shirt, even though it was sweltering out in the summer heat.

The bouncer let them in, giving Remus a pat on the ass as he walked by. James strode confidently to the bar, magicing off the black X's that had been drawn on his hands because he was underage in the muggle world. Remus walked behind him, keeping his eyes on the floor. Clubs weren't really his thing, he'd much prefer to be curled up in a chair by the fire reading a book or studying for next years classes, but James had made him go, since Sirius was busy tonight.

Remus wondered where Sirius was, he'd been going out late at night a lot lately, and Remus missed their nightly floo calls. If only he wasn't so damn secretive…

James sat down in a bar stool at the bar by a pole where a man was chained and being whipped. Remus tried not to stare as he sat down next to him. James was grinning, Remus turned to see why. Remus was shocked. There was Sirius, his _boyfriend_ clad in black leather short shorts, a black leather vest, red suspenders, and combat boots. And a little biker hat. Remus had an instant raging orgasm. He quickly crossed his legs to hide the damp spot on his pants, while fumbling for his wand to clean up the mess.

"Hey love," Sirius said, sauntering up to Remus, biting his bottom lip seductively. "fancy meeting you here."

Remus blushed as Sirius poured him a few shots. Remus downed them quickly, uncomfortable with his surroundings, yet massively turned on by it as well. Sirius began to explain how he had come to work there, and how that was why he was busy most nights and couldn't call. That information made Remus feel better, especially when he said it was just for the summer, since he had to go back to Hogwarts in the fall.

Then Sirius took out a pair of handcuffs. Pink, fluffy handcuffs. James giggled, and then, catching they eye of a hotty by the DJ he got up and stumbled drunkenly to his new man.

Meanwhile in the Forbidden Forest:

Severus Snape was leaning against a gnarled old tree deep in the depths of the Forbidden Forest, shrouded entirely in darkness except for the circle of light cast around him by his wand lying on the ground at his feet.

A rhythmic sound could be heard coming from the wooden muggle toy in his hand. He had found the toy laying on the edge of the Forbidden Forest where it meets with Hosmeade. Snape couldn't imagine where the toy had come from, Hogsmeade was a strictly magical village, and this was clearly a muggle object.

Anyway he was leaning against the gnarled old tree with the wooden toy in his hand, swinging the highly polished rosewood paddle rhythmically. The soft rubbery pop occurring on every upsweep of the paddle as it came forcefully into contact with the matte rubber ball bouncing it outward to the limit of the thin white elastic string that attached it to the paddle. Over and over and over and over and over again.

Suddenly there was a loud snap and the rubber ball was sent ricocheting off the trees into the distance and in that moment young Severus, who had previously been a joyful and friendly child swore eternal vengeance on the world that had so cruelly and suddenly taken the marvelous toy from him. Never would Severus Snape allow another child to be happy. Ever.

Back in the club, Sirius was bending Remus over a barstool and handcuffing him to it. And then some paddling happens. The paddle was made of a dark cherry wood and had dog shaped holes in it like swiss cheese to allow the air to move through it for fasterness. Remus's pants were pulled down to his ankles and his bottom was turning red from the beating. There were little doggy shaped white spaces on his butt from the holes in the paddle and it was turning Sirius on. That was what was happening back in the club after Sirius handcuffed Remus to the barstool.

Then Dumbledore walked in wearing a long sleeved violet floor length jacket lined with gold trimming and frilly pink featheryness on the edges. He was carrying a big pimp stick cane thing and had on white platform shoes underneath his fushia bell-bottoms which had a white leather belt and also he had on a silky pink and gold button-up shirt that was unbuttoned to show off his sexay white old man chest hair. On his head he had a purple pimp top hat thing like the mofia guys wear in the movies with a giant black piratey feather on it. This was the 70's bitch, and Old Dumbles was grovin' with the best of them. Everyone turned to stare.

"Where's my Luscious Lucius BITCHES?" Dumbledore hollered out.

Sirius looked up from where he was standing and pulled out of Remus. Time to get back to work, poor Remus would just have to wait until he had another break.

LusciousLuciusLusciousLuciusLuPaddleBallsciousLuciusLusciousLuciusLusciousLuciu

The Marauders were on the Hogwarts Express on their way to Hogwarts. Sirius was wearing a T-shirt that said "save a broom ride a werewolf" and it was making Remus blush even though no one knew he was a werewolf except his friends and he still couldn't sit down because his bottom was so raw. from the night before James was in the prefect cabin up front giving orders to the prefects for the new year because he was headboy this year which made Remus angry because he had been a prefect last two years and he should have been headboy but then over the summer, one day when they were at the beach they ran into Lily and she was with her friends but then her friends wandered off and some boy started harassing her and then he tried to rape her but then James saved her life and so Dumbledore made him headboy and James and Lily have been dating ever since.

When they got to the school they sat down at the house tables and then listened to the Sorting Hat sing a song and sort the new first years into their houses. When the Hat was done Dumbledore gave a speech about how they should avoid the Forbidden Forest because it was Forbidden and shit. Then they ate food and Sirius was sleepy so they went up to their dormitory and went to sleep.

THE NEXT DAY

James woke up to the sound of a guitar being strummed badly. Lily was sitting on the edge of his bed playing with his magical electric guitar. Its Magilectric!

ANYWAY so Lily was playing with James guitar while Sirius tuned his drums. James groaned- he'd forgotten that they had band practice today before classes.

"Lily-bear, what are you doing with my guitar?"

"Just playing, Jamesy-poo."

"Be careful, that's a Electragical 2000! Top of the line, not even out on the market yet!"

"Then how'd you get one?"

"My cousin is Ted Nugent."

"Oh. Well that's cool."

"Oh, shit. James, I hear this fucking crazy ass rumor!" Sirius shouted.

"What?"

"You know how Malfoy has a band that is competing in the battle of the bands too in Hogsmeade on Holloween?"

"Yeah… The Luscious Lucius's right?" James said skeptically.

"Well I heard who his new guitarist is…"

"…and…"

"its Snivellous."

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"Oh. right. And he's got a Electragical 2000 too."

"WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????????!!1 How'd he get one?"

"His cousin is Gerald Way."

"Shit."

"Yeah."

Then Remus picked up his Synthesizer (its like a keyboard, but it makes other noises, like bass and shit) and then he said that they should start band practice. So the picked a song, and started rocking out. Lily picked up her tambourine and started tapping on it, while singing into her microphone:

_I will not make the same mistakes that you did  
I will not let myself  
Cause my heart so much misery  
I will not break the way you did,  
You fell so hard  
I've learned the hard way  
To never let it get that far_

Because of you  
I never stray too far from the sidewalk  
Because of you  
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt  
Because of you  
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me  
Because of you  
I am afraid

I lose my way  
And it's not too long before you point it out  
I cannot cry  
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes  
I'm forced to fake  
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life  
My heart can't possibly break  
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you  
I never stay too far from the sidewalk  
Because of you  
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt  
Because of you  
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me  
Because of you  
I am afraid

I watched you die  
I heard you cry every night in your sleep  
I was so young  
You should have known better than to lean on me  
You never thought of anyone else  
You just saw your pain  
And now I cry in the middle of the night  
For the same dame thing

Because of you  
I never stray too far from the sidewalk  
Because of you  
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt  
Because of you  
I try my hardest just to forget everything  
Because of you  
I don't know how to let anyone else in  
Because of you  
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty  
Because of you  
I am afraid

Because of you  
Because of you

(A/N: I DON'T OWN THESE LYRICS! They are the property of Kelly Clarkson!!!1!! I absolutely lurve her! Omg- no wait. So last week was my schools prom, and my bf totally invited me and we went and my dress was this satiny pale pink princessy sleeveless gown and anyway my bf and I so slow danced to this song… How Romantic!!!! Wheeeeee!!!!!! Anyway, that was the end of my first chapter!! Woot! Tell me what you think guys! Remember, R&R!!! Reviews are love! Cookies for everone!)


	2. From Yesterday

A/N: OMG!!!!! Thank you all for your WONDERFUL reviews. They really made me want to rite more so here it is!!!1!! This chapter is in the present when the books are OK guys!

Also, I don't think I told any1 b4 but I totally don't own HP or anything like that so dun sue me. OK guys!

OH, guys you should know. Emma is such a bitch. She totally stole my favorite sweater when I let her borrow it at gym so shes not riting with me anymore. An I changed the pw so she cant get to uor fic nemore. An I'm holdin her Jared Leto poster hostage til she gets it BACK!

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In the smallest bedroom at the top of the stairs in the house at number 4 Privet Dr, a small lump was whimpering and shaking under a tattered sheet on top of a threadbare mattress. Just as the shaking and whimpering had settled down into soft snores, a loud bang sounded as the door to the room was flung open. The giant massive hugeness of Vernon Dursley stood in the doorway, blocking all but the faintest glimmer of light from the hallway entering the room.

"Harrrrrry, you worrrrrthlessssss pieccccce of ssssshit!" Vernon yelled, slurring his words drunkenly, stumbling into the room and pulling the bruised and battered Boy Who Lived to his feet by the oversized neck of his shirt.

Vernon slammed his meaty ham sized fist into the side of Harry's jaw, which made a sickening cracking sound at the impact. Harry screamed out at the pain and Vernon threw him across the room, his body bouncing against the wall and landing rag doll like face first on the floor.

"Ssssshut up bitch!" Vernon bellowed, grabbing the dazed boy around the waist, and ripping his pants off.

Harry suddenly came to life, scrambling across the room trying to slide under the bed. Just as his fingertips touched the bottom of the bedpost he was jerked roughly back by his ankle and Vernon gripped his hair in a tight fist, pulling his head up and slamming it onto the floor with a resounding crack.

Harry blinked dazedly, his world was a haze of pain and there was something sticky and red pouring over his eyes, obscuring his vision. He was dimly aware of his hips being lifted roughly and a searing pain up his spine as something slammed inside of him over and over again.

Suddenly it stopped and there were loud noises and a bright red flash and suddenly someone was picking him up and there was an explosion of pain in his head and with a sharp scream of pain Harry blacked out.

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BACK IN THE SNAPE MANOR

Back in the Snape Manor where Snape had lived all his life with generations of the Snape wizarding family, Harry was sleeping in a big four poster bed with black and green sheets and four posts on the corners covered in silver drapes. He started to toss and turn and suddenly woke up bolting out of the bed with a scream of "NO VERNON PLEASE DON"T RAPE ME AGAIN" Then he hit his head on the edge of one of the posts of his four poster bed with the ebony and emerald sheets with the silver drapes on the posters and passed out.

A few hours later Harry awoke to the sound of a door creaking open quietly. He peeled open his swollen eyes as much as he could and glanced blurrily and fearfully at the door. He relaxed back into the bed when he saw that it was just Draco coming to check up on him.

"Harry, how are you?" Draco whispered softly, reaching out to run a hand through the small battered boy's raven locks, pushing the soft, feathery bangs out of his face.

"Better, I think," Harry blushed. "Now that you're here Drake."

Draco smiled stupidly and ruffled the hair he had just smoothed back. He leaned down slowly pressing his lips softly to the other boys. Harry moaned and kissed Draco back, shoving his tongue down his throat and Draco moaned at the feeling, ripping off Harry's clothes.

Harry cried out and huddeled into the corner of the four poster bed with the black sheets and the green pillows and the silver fabric around the posts.

"What's wrong?" Draco asked all confuzzled. "What did I do?"

"I'm sorry Draco. My uncle used to rape me a lot, and for a minute I forgot that you weren't him…but, well, I want you to make it better." Harry blushed all over and shifted back from the corner to under Draco.

Draco took off his clothes and then they had amazing, epic healing sex. When they were finished Harry cried and thanked Draco for helping him to get over his rape by being such a kind and gentle lover. Just then, Draco started crying too.

"Harry, you helped me to because since we weren't friends before I never told you but my dad used to rape me all the time too." Draco sobbed. "Once he even got me pregnant but they gave the baby away so I didn't get to keep her."

"Oh Draco," Harry sobbed.

"Oh Harry," Draco sobbed.

They cried and hugged each other, eventually falling asleep.

The door creaked closed and Severus Snape walked down the hallway chuckling quietly to himself, "and here I thought they would kill each other being in the same house."

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TBC!!!!

You Guys are great! Pixie sticks for everyone!!!1!!!!!111! review please!


	3. Woahmygawd it's Snape!

A _dark_ _blanket_ of _blue_ was _beginning_ to stretch over _the_ sky _to_ the east as _the_ sun _descended_ upon the forbidden _forest_. The crescent moon hung overhead.

_'Waxing'_ James _thought_. 'Only a week until the _full_ moon'. He was _sitting_ just _outside_ the door from _the_ astronomy tower. It was where _he_ went to be alone. It _was_ where _he_ went to think.

He didn't _want_ to date Lily. _He_ didn't _even_ like her. The only reason _he'd_ ever flirted with _her_ was because he had _to_ flirt with all the girls- no one _could_ no he was _gay_. No _one_ but his best _friends_. He _couldn't_ imagine what his _father_ would say if he knew that he was gay. 'Kick me out, probably' _James_ thought bitterly.

How _Lily_ came to like him was _another_ thing _entirely_. He'd always flirted with her, especially much because he _knew_ she _hated_ him, so it couldn't go _anywhere_. But this summer, when they _were_ at the beach, _when_ he saw that guy attack _her_, he had to save her. _It_ was the right thing to do. How was he supposed to know it would form a life debt? Not only a normal life debt, but because he saved her from rape it formed a marriage bond. Because Lily was still underage they didn't have to marry- yet. But as soon as she was of age they would have to have a formal ceremony and everything. If they didn't, it would desanctify they life debt and one of them would have to die. James didn't want to die.

To make matters worse it turned out that Lily didn't hate him, in fact, she loved him! The whore! And, if that wasn't bad enough, the one boy James loved the most despised his very being! He said so this morning! How could it be that the life of a boy as hott and popular and rich as he could be so miserable? He shuddered as he remembered the voice that had ran through his head as he lay in his bed earlier that morning. "Just end it already," the voice had told him. "You know how, just go up the road not across the street. Simple as that. You have nothing to live for anymore anyway. The man you love hates you, you're being forced to marry the red-headed wench, why not just kill yourself and end this pain and misery?"

James hadn't wanted to listen to the voice but it made more sense as it continued speaking. Now James was sitting on the hard stone of the astronomy tower, tears running down his face as he looked at the blood seeping onto his nightshirt. He could feel the life flowing out through the open gashes on his wrists and wondered how long it would be until anyone found his lifeless form.

Not long, it turned out, for Snape happened to be on one of his nightly strolls through the school and had decided that it was a lovely night outside, so rather than head for his usual hideout in the library on his nights of insomnia, he would go to the astronomy tower tonight. It was lucky he did. As soon as he opened the door to the astronomy tower he found James, pale as death, huddled over a pool of blood, crying.

"Ohmigawd!" Snape cried out in horror! "What did you do?"

"Leave me alone to die!" James sobbed, crawling away from him in a very angsty kind of way (A/N: Yey for angst!)

"No! You can't die! Why would you even ever do something like this? You are the most popular, athletic, skilled, strong, handsome, magical, sexy, toned, muscley, musky, gorgeous, hott, beautiful, caring, powerful, wizardly, smart, intelligent, manly, cheery, good-humoured, friendly, pleasant, happy, fortunate, radiant, iridescent, irresistible, brave, loyal, cunning, nutty, tangy, rich, real, delicate, crisp, sweet, most exciting taste sensation I have ever been in the presence of!" Snape said.

"You really think so?" James snuffled.

"Yes," Snape said softly, reaching out to tuck a stray hair behind James's ear. "Now come here, let me heal that for you." Snape took out his wand and pressed it gently onto the long gash on James's left arm. The skin quickly sewed itself back up, and soon the color came back to James's face, though neither one noticed this as the second Snape finished incantating the spell he wrapped James in his arms and held him as close to him as humanly possible.

James could feel Snapes heart beating as he laid his head to rest against his chest, which was surprisingly muscley and toned. James raised his head to meet Snapes eyes. They were not black and hollow, as he had originally thought, instead they were warm and deep, showing emotion and concern. James's eyes traveled over to Snapes pink, moist lips. He wanted to kiss those lips, the lips of the man who saved his life. James wrapped his arm lightly around Snapes head and let his fingers run through his hair. It was surprisingly soft, not greasy at all. James couldn't help himself, he closed the gap between them, bringing his lips to meet those of his former enemys.

THIS PART HAS BEEN DELETED DUE TO INNAPROPRIATENESS! SORRY GUYS!!!

Just as James and Snape were getting into a rhythm they were rudely interrupted by the second year Hufflepuff and Ravenclaws entering the Astronomy Tower for their weekly midnight Astronomy class.

'Fuck' James thought. 'I forgot about Astronomy classes.'

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU TWO THINK YOU ARE DOING?????"the astronomy professor (A/N: does anyone know her/his name? Cause I so totally don't.) yelled at them. James and Snape looked embarrassed. "GO TO THE HEADMASTERS OFFICE IMMEDIATELY! AND TAKE THIS NOTE WITH YOU! I WILL KNOW IF YOU HAVE TAMPERED WITH IT!" The astronomy professor quickly scribbled a note for them to take to the headmaster as Snape and James pulled up their pants and covered up. James took the note and the two of them walked shamefacedly to the headmaster's office.

Snape and James were both silent the entire way up to the headmasters office, which gave them entry with a quick mutter of the password "Chocolate Frog" from James. Snape looked at him quizzingly.

"I get sent here a lot." James answered as the two of them ascended up the spiral staircase. Snape laughed. James knocked twice on the door, then let himself in. They stopped laughing the second the door opened though, and they took in the scene before them.

(A/N: Ohh! A cliffy! Woot!)

(Less fake A/N: Bonus points to anyone who finds out the secret of the annoying words in italics in the beginning of the chapter! Here's a hint: I lost count and that's why I stopped. The original plan was to keep it up throughout the chapter.)

(More A/N: Also, yey for Haley, the most bestest beta/friend a girl could ever have! Wee!)


	4. Give me one good reason

A/N: (and i mean a real one this time) This is really late. I had it done on time but real life got in the way and I completely forgot about posting until last night when the two of us were going to the hp movie (yay midnight movies!). So, yeah, chapters should be vaguely on time from now on.

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2 Weeks Later

Harry and Draco had bonded a lot (and by bonded I mean had WILD SEX) since Harry had been rescued from his abusive pedophile uncle by Snape two weeks before. They were just falling asleep after yet another exhaustive round of hot man lovin' when Buttercupmoonflower the Snape family's head house elf popped into the room telling the boys that they needed to go see Snape in the library.

Draco and Harry sighed because they were really tired but they knew if they didn't go Snape would yell at them for sleeping when the day star was still out. They slipped into their robes and groped each other to the library.

In the library Snape was scowling down at the owl he had received mere minutes earlier that had prompted him to call the boys to the library. He was not happy, in fact, one would say he was downright displeased. The owl had made him so mad that he had tried to set fire to it but the parchment was charmed to not catch fire.

He couldn't believe the nerve of that crazy old man Dumbledore. How dare he try to force him to tell Harry _that stuff_. He refused, but there was the problem of the curse sealed into the parchment that had activated as Snape read it. There was no way he would let anyone, let alone the two boys who were on their way to see him, and could, in fact, be heard noisily walking down the hall towards the library.

In a fit of panic, Severus threw on his heaviest, longest winter robes, hoping they would cover any involuntary twitchings from his new black tail, and, after a few moments of panic, he thrust a top hat from one of the display shelves over his new cat ears.

At that moment, the large ornately gothic doors to the library opened and the two teenage boys walked in, Draco heading immediately to his favorite chair closest to the fire across from snape's desk, and Harry stopping at the door to look around in awe.

Aparently when Snape said library, he meant it. The walls were completely covered in booksheleves filled with books, and there were two or three free standing shelves, like in a library, covered in books as well. The only book free section of wall was that behind Snape's desk and the small section of the adjacent wall that housed the fireplace. Behind Snape's desk there was a large picture window draped in heavy black velvet curtains overlooking the expansive French countyside of Snape Manor. On either side of the window there was an identical display frame, one side held what appeared to be a paddle with a bit of white string hanging from it, and on the other, a small rubber ball with an identical piece of string.

While Harry was busy puzzling out why Snape had a broken paddle ball framed on his wall, Draco was busy staring at his godfather and trying not to laugh, or smile for that matter. He was wearing a ridiculously dusty top hat, and had begun to visibly sweat from the weight of the thick woolen robes covering his frame. He noticed Draco looking at him and fixed him with an acid glare that caused Draco to look away suddenly, gulping in fear.

Harry finally got over trying to puzzle out the paddle ball and sat himself on Draco's lap. The boys kissed and turned around to ask Snape what they were there for.

"So," said Harry, "What are we here for?"

Snape looked flustered for a moment. He had planned to tell Harry and Draco the truth about everything, but since the letter from Dumbledore, he no longer wanted to. "there's no way I'm doing what that old coot wants me to do," Snape mumbled to himself.

"Huh?" Both boys asked at the same time.

Snape seemed to snap out of his not so internal dialogue, and jerked his head up to look at the boys suddenly, his top hat tipping precariously to one side, momentarily revealing the edge of one of his feline ears. Luckily for him a mysterious sparkle had caught Harry's attention and he had turned at that moment to ask Draco "What's that thing?" and Draco had turned to look as well.

After a moment looking at the thing, Draco said "Oh, that…it's just a meaningless plot device."

"oh, okay." Harry said, and both boys turned there attention to the man on the other side of the desk, who had at this point righted his hat.

Snape opened his mouth to speak, hoping fervently that in the next breath he could come up with a good excuse for having the boys in his office that didn't involve dark sordid secrets of his past that Dumbledore suddenly wanted out in the open. Luck shone down on Snape that day, for, at that moment, the doors to the library slammed open and Lucius Malfoy stormed through the door trailed by a small horde of house elves who appeared to be waving the end of his long cloak dramatically.

"Draco, get over here!" He shouted imposingly. "How dare you run away from me!"

Harry looked over at Draco in shock. He didn't know that the blond had run away from his father, but he did know that now that the man had appeared in the door, Draco was cowering fearfully in his chair, looking as if he were trying to sink into the seat. Harry remembered himself what it was like to be so afraid of your guardians, and in that instant he realized that he would not let his boyfriend be taken back to a situation where he would be abused and shit.

Harry jumped out of his seat, and drew his wand on Lucius. "He's mine now and you can't have him! Now go away!" Lucius scoffed at Harry and moved forward to grab Draco, pulling his wand out of his cane as he did. Harry wasn't going to give him the chance though, and before Lucius could complete either motion, Harry had screamed out a spell in a strange language and Lucius was lying dead on the floor.

Draco looked at Harry and hugged him in thanks, and then the boys went to turn to Snape, who was staring in shock at Harry. Before they could turn around however, the doors to the library slammed open again and there stood the Dursleys.

"Get over here boy!" Vernon yelled, and without waiting to see if Harry would respond he charged into the room. Just as he was about to grab Harry by the arm, Draco ripped a sword off the wall and stabbed him and he was dead. Then the other Dursleys ran away home because they were being controlled and oppressed by Vernon and without him they didn't see a need to stay near the wizards anymore.

Harry stared at Draco in awe and jumped him, practically having sex with him only they had clothes on. They were once again interrupted by the door opening and Dumbledore stood in the doorway, backlit in dramatic relief by a shining white light. Before he could open his mouth Snape had avada kedavraed him.

Harry and Draco turned to look at snape, who's hat had fallen off exposing his ears, in complete disbelief.

"What?" Snape said, "He gave me friggin cat ears…and a tail. He was asking for it."

"Oh, okay," Harry said cheerily, then he and Draco and Snape went to the kitchens for lunch and to give the house elves a chance to clear away the bodies.

* * *

Review please! And thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter!!!!!!! 


	5. How Dumbledore Got His Groove Back

A/N: So I'm not in the mood to bother writing a fake crappy 13 yr old fangirl WHEE!! SPRING BREAK TIME!!! Me and my BFFles and all of our friends are going to Daytona Beach! I like so totally can't wait. OMG it's going to be fantabulous! I have a new pink rainbow glitter thong bikini and I can't wait to wear it out to the beach (I could be on mtv! or hook up with a hotty lifeguard!)!!!!!!!!!!!111! authors note right now, so here's what you get- me, tired from school and sick of work, bitchy and angsty and apologizing for the insanely long delay in getting this chapter up. Life got in the way. I'll try to knock it over next time, to get the next chapter out a bit earlier.

* * *

RECAP:

Snape and James were both silent the entire way up to the headmasters office, which gave them entry with a quick mutter of the password "Chocolate Frog" from James. Snape looked at him quizzically.

"I get sent here a lot." James answered as the two of them ascended up the spiral staircase. Snape laughed. James knocked twice on the door then let himself in. They stopped laughing the second the door opened though, and they took in the scene before them.

* * *

PRESENT TIME (marauder era):

It was Dumbledore! Well, that much was expected, as it was the headmasters office and he was the headmaster, but it wasn't so much his presence that was shocking, as what he was doing in his office. What was he doing in his office at this hour anyway? Shouldn't he be asleep? Do professors sleep? Surely headmasters are people too…

But anyway, the shocking moment. Dumbledore! And he was sitting in his chair, behind his desk, with his robes pulled up to his waist, icky-man-part out, receiving what looked like a blow job from a slightly phantom-like look-alike phantom thing of Snape! The two boys stared in horror.

James was the first to come out of his trance. "Er, maybe we should come back later," he mumbled under his breath. (A/N: can you mumble over your breath? if you can under your breath? or is that just talking? I tried to do it and got confused. maybe I'm doing it wrong?) Snape jerked into reality.

"What?" he said loudly, turning to Harry. Dumbledore looked up, finally noticing them.

"Oh, hello boys. What sends you two to my office at such a late hour? Surely not fighting again are you? And out after curfew t boot. tsk tsk. Well, I'm almost finished here, give me another minute, yes, yes, okay, a little to the left, that's it, yes, Yes, right there, that's it, that's it, right there, yes, yes, Yes, OH God, yes, yes, Ooo, oh, OH, OH GOD YES, YES, DO IT, RIGHT THERE, YES, YOU FILTHY WHORE YES, SUCK IT, SUCK MY COCK, YES, YES, OH, OH, OH YES, GOD, FUCK ME, FUCK ME YOU COCK SUCKER, YES, YES, **YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**" And with that, Dumbledore came, and the phantom-Snape thing disappeared, icky white man fluid dripping everywhere. Dumbledore quickly cleaned it up and draped his robes back covering himself.

"Can I have that note there James? The one you're holding? I believe it was meant for me?" Dumbledore said, calm as you please.

"Oh. er, okay professor." James said, still slightly off put by what he has just witnessed. He handed professor Dumbledore the note Professor Sinistra had written. Professor Dumbledore read over the note with a look of bemusement, the twinkle never leaving his twinkling bright iridescent glittering sparkling sapphire indigo cerulean cobalt sky blue eyes. When he finished reading the note Dumbledore put it down on the desk, and clasped his hands together and turned his focus onto the two bewildered boys in front of him.

"Well James," He started, "as the Head Boy I would have assumed better from you. You are engaged to a Miss Lily Evans, are you not?"

James nodded.

"Well. You might want to think about that. Now I suppose I should give you each a detention for being out after curfew. Lets see, how about cleaning the trophy room? Yes. Okay, so Thursday night you will report to the caretaker to receive cleaning shit, and clean the trophy room. 8pm. Be there, or be square. Now go, I have an intense hard-on coming on that I intend to attend to."

The boys left his room with a feeling of creepy old man grossness and a desperate desire to scrub off the memory of Dumbles receiving head from a phantom Snape thing.

"We don't ever need to discuss that again, do we?" Snape asked James, a slight shake in his voice giving away his fear under his otherwise calm exterior.

"Of course not," James said lovingly, for this was his love, his one true love, his one and only, his soul mate and he loved Snape and Snape loved him, and the scars on his wrists from earlier that evening were no longer visible but he knew where they were and would always remember tonight as the night that he and his true love were connected together to become one. He knew they would be together forever and one day they would get married and have lots and lots of little Potter-Snape babies and at the wedding Snape would wear a beautiful white gown because he was so pure and beautiful and innocent and sweet and James' loveable cuddly-kins sweetheart and they would live together forever in a small house in the country with a white picket fence and Snape would tend the garden and stay at home and watch after James Jr. and Abigail and Mary Jane and Michael and Thomas and Sally and Septimus Octavius. And there would be flowers and rainbows and sunshine and his Sevvy-Poo would always be beautiful and there love would inspire generations of poets and no one else in the world would ever be happy in love because they would see James and Severus and how perfect and pure and true and fated and meant to be and destined their love was and realize that nothing anyone else could ever have would match their love. And James would always remember this night as the first night of their beautiful love because of the scars on his wrists that were no longer visable.

So James and Snape went back to their respective dormitories and never spoke of this night to each other again. No one ever suspected they were lovers because in public they were just as scathing and harsh to each other as usual. Only Lily ever suspected anything was up, and that was only because something has to happen to make this story go forward. However, for the time being, we are going to take a break from this romantic tale of two lovers (it's all very Romeo and Juliet esque, isn't it? If you squint your eyes and turn your head to the left.) Anyway, we are taking a break from this story, because at this time something between Remus and Sirius is about to happen.

And so, I bid you farewell, as I have crap!fic to go read, after all, its for research's sake, no?


	6. The Day of the River

A/N: Thanks for waiting almost a year for an update. Chapter seven will be up by the end of the weekend. We actually mean that this time.

* * *

One thing everyone noticed when Harry and Draco walked onto platform 9 ¾ was that the two boys had changed over the summer. The time they had spent living with Snape had been good for them (though the other students didn't know this was the reason of course).

Harry was no longer unhealthy looking; he had a nice healthy pale tone. He was wearing a tight black MCR shirt and a pair of dark blue jeans that were super tight and fell low on his hips. He had a pair of black converse that said 'Welcome to the Black Parade' on one, and on the other left one said 'Teenagers Scare the Living S**t out of Me'. Also, 'Hey Baby'. And he was wearing a white studded belt around his waist. His hair had grown out to his shoulders and had been flattened. He had his bangs in an emo woosh over one eye. He had bought new, square framed glasses, and he had two sweatbands on his wrists, one was the gay man symbol in rainbow colors . And the other was a Zelda one in green. You could see his flying broomstick patterned boxers over his pants when he bent over. He was wearing black eyeliner.

Draco was now tan and muscular. He had gotten taller. His hair had grown long and wavy and shaggy. He smelled like pot, but only on the weekends. He was now a vegan and didn't wear dead animal skin anymore. He wore hemp fiber flip flops, he wore baggy cargo shorts and a hemp t-shirt that said 'Hugs not Drugs' and he carried a surf board under his arm.

The two boys were holding hands as they pushed their trolleys up to the train.

Suddenly they were stopped by Ron and Hermione who was red faced and angry. "What the fuck are you doing Harry!?!" Hermione screeched, "You look like a couple of butt fuckers!"

Everyone in the station had stopped to stare at her, but she didn't seem to care, and Ron joined in.

"She's right mate," He said to Harry, "He's turned you into a ridiculously long dramatic sentence describing in the stupidest way possible gay males, as said by Ron."

Draco stepped forward holding his hands up, accidentally knocking a small blonde first year to the ground with his surf board, "Whoa, dude. Dude, whoa. You're harshing my mellow dude."

Harry sighed dramatically, "Pookie Pie, Oh, the torment bred in the race, the grinding scream of death and the stroke that hits the vein, the hemorrhage none can staunch, the grief, the curse no man can bear (1). The world is black like the darkest midnight sky and it burns away at our souls and the souls of all our kind. These breeders will never understand our horrible black pain." Harry tugged on Draco's hand and they boarded the train in the dead silence of the platform.

Harry and Draco walked to the back of the train where they immediately closed the door and started making out like mad. Draco always got turned on when Harry said insensible dramatic crazy shit. Draco had pinned Harry to the wall, school robes hanging halfway down his arms, and was just beginning to loosen his tie when the compartment door suddenly flew open, and a timid figure stood in the corridor, a look of shock on his face.

"Sorry, I was just wondering if any of you had seen my toad?" Neville asked, "Though I suppose not…I'll just be going now." And Neville wandered off back towards the front of the train, never to be mentioned again.

"Well, I don't know about you, but that just killed the mood," Harry said coolly, sliding out from under Draco and straightening his robes. He gave the stunned Draco a small kiss on the cheek before closing the compartment door and flopping down casually onto a bench.

Draco shook off his shock at the interruption, and flopped along the bench across from the lounging Gryffindor. The compartment lurched slightly as the train departed from the station, shouted farewells getting softer outside the window. Harry took off his outer robe, bundled it under his head for a pillow, and loosened his tie, settling in for a nap.

He woke a few hours later with the arrival of the snack cart, and he and Draco passed the remainder of the ride chatting and finishing up on last minute homework.

The platform in Hogsmeade was a circus as usual, people rushing for seats on the carriages, and confused first years wandering around confusedly, not sure where they were supposed to go. The whole platform was brought to a halt, all eyes on the half-giant who had just walked onto the platform.

He looked around, his dragon skin coat shining in the lantern light, making a wonderful contrast with his tanned skin and roguish curls, and shouted, as he did every year, "Firs' Years! This way! Firs' Years!"

Harry turned to Draco, "Oh! My! Gawd! That's Hagrid! He is so Hot!"

Draco adamantly agreed. They stared raptly at the vision of manly beauty that was Hagrid, until he rounded the corner to the lake and out of site. As if broken from a trance, the occupants of the platform started talking all at once. It was a chorus of "omg" and "can you believe it". Harry and Draco decided that they would go down to the gamekeepers hut after the feast to see what had happened to change Hagrid so much over the summer.

Later that night, warm and full and slightly sleepy, Draco and Harry found their way down to Hagrid's hut. They knocked on the door repeatedly to no avail. The sounds of Fang's monstrous barks could be heard coming from the paddock behind the hut, so the duo headed that way. They found Fang tied haphazardly to a post by a rope, staring mopily at the hut where a soft flickering light could be seen coming from Hagrid's bedroom window. Draco and Harry headed over, intent on getting inside to see what on earth was going on.

They peeked through the window, rubbing the condensation off of one of the panes to look in. They could just make out two blurred shapes through the curtains, a large lump with a thin figure vigorously bouncing atop it. Suddenly, there was a loud bellowing sound, and the gossamer curtain was blown violently to the side giving the two a clear view of the interior of the hut. The large lump was Hagrid, and the thin figure that of the headmaster, Dumbledore. Both were completely nude.

The boys looked at one another. Harry turned and ran screaming into the Forbidden Forest, and after a pause, Draco went tearing off after him with a shout of "Wait, baby, what's wrong? Wasn't that so hot?"

A strangled scream could be heard from the forest in the vague direction Harry had headed. Draco followed after him excitedly.

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	7. Caution, this beverage may be hot

Authors Note: Holy crap, I know. Two updates in four days. After almost a full year of absolutely nothing, no updates, no new stories, no activity on this account, Haley and I have decided to continue this story to it's illogical end. Whether or not that means updates will become regular I couldn't say. I have no idea what's going to happen in chapter 9, however at least chapter 8 has been outlined so there is hope for that.

Anyway this chapter is dedicated to all the annoying authors (cough, Stephenie Meyer, cough) who in real life try to incorporate Shakespeare and/or Jane Austen and/or the Bronte sisters into their books to make themselves and/or their characters look literate and important and intelligent.

* * *

"O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Deny thy father and refuse thy name.

Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, …

Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, … LINE!"

"Ugh, you are utterly useless. 'Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, and I'll no longer be a Capulet.' Is that so hard to remember? It's just four lines. How do you expect to be ready for the auditions in time if you can't even remember one of the most recited scenes in Shakespeare, Remus?" Sirius sighed exasperatedly. He had been helping Remus go through these lines night after night in the common room for almost a week now preparing for Hogwarts drama club's rendition of an unknown-but-soon-to-be-announced play. Remus insisted on learning all of Juliet's lines from Romeo and Juliet act one, scene two. The balcony scene. Apparently, theatre was Remus's dream.

"Theatre is my dream, Sirius, please bear with me. Besides, it's not like you can do better." Remus retorted. Sirius raised an eyebrow.

"He's got a point," Peter piped in. He, Lily and James had come down to the common room after it had cleared out to watch Remus rehearse. Lily had found herself surprised to learn that Shakespeare was actually a wizard, and that most of his plays were actually written by an early edition of the Quick Quotes Quill. She found it fascinating watching Remus rehearse, as though his being a wizard had changed the plays any.

ANYWAY Sirius was upset by the sarcasm and the implication that he didn't know shit about Shakespeare.

"Hells yes I can do better. Name a play, any one of Shakespeare's plays. C'mon, do it! Name one, I dare you. Do it. Name a play. Name one, any one. Just do it. Seriously man, I double dog dare you, just name a play. That's right, yeah. Name one." Sirius dared them all.

"Fine! Richard III!" Remus chuckled, knowing there was no way Sirius had ever seen or read the most preformed of Shakespeares plays.

"What is he do-" Lily was about to ask when James and Sirius both raised their hands to silence her. Sirius took a deep breath and stared at the ceiling for a second. Then, he spoke.

"Now is the winter of our discontent  
Made glorious summer by this sun of York;  
And all the clouds that lour'd upon our house  
In the deep bosom of the ocean buried.  
Now are our brows bound with victorious wreaths;  
Our bruised arms hung up for monuments;  
Our stern alarums chang'd to merry meetings,  
Our dreadful marches to delightful measures.  
Grim-visag'd war hath smooth'd his wrinkled front,  
And now, instead of mounting barbed steeds  
To fright the souls of fearful adversaries,  
He capers nimbly in a lady's chamber  
To the lascivious pleasing of a lute.  
But I -- that am not shap'd for sportive tricks,  
Nor made to court an amorous looking-glass --  
I-that am rudely stamp'd, and want love's majesty  
To strut before a wanton ambling nymph --  
I -- that am curtail'd of this fair proportion,  
Cheated of feature by dissembling nature,  
Deform'd, unfinish'd, sent before my time  
Into this breathing world scarce half made up,  
And that so lamely and unfashionable  
That dogs bark at me as I halt by them --  
Why, I, in this weak piping time of peace,  
Have no delight to pass away the time,  
Unless to spy my shadow in the sun  
And descant on mine own deformity.  
And therefore, since I cannot prove a lover  
To entertain these fair well-spoken days,  
I am determined to prove a villain  
And hate the idle pleasures of these days.  
Plots have I laid, inductions dangerous,  
By drunken prophecies, libels, and dreams,  
To set my brother Clarence and the King  
In deadly hate the one against the other;  
And if King Edward be as true and just  
As I am subtle, false, and treacherous,  
This day should Clarence closely be mew'd up --  
About a prophecy which says that G  
Of Edward's heirs the murderer shall be.  
Dive, thoughts, down to my soul. Here Clarence comes.

That's right BEE-YOCH-ES Sirius knows some Shakespeare. Throw me another so that the word count on this fanfiction chapter goes up!"

"Hamlet!" James shouted gleefully. Sirius threw him a wink.

"To be, or not to be: that is the question:

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,

And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;

No more; and by a sleep to say we end

The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks

That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation

Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;

To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come

When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,

Must give us pause: there's the respect

That makes calamity of so long life;

For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,

The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,

The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,

The insolence of office and the spurns

That patient merit of the unworthy takes,

When he himself might his quietus make

With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,

To grunt and sweat under a weary life,

But that the dread of something after death,

The undiscover'd country from whose bourn

No traveller returns, puzzles the will

And makes us rather bear those ills we have

Than fly to others that we know not of?

Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;

And thus the native hue of resolution

Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,

And enterprises of great pith and moment

With this regard their currents turn awry,

And lose the name of action. - Soft you now!

The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons

Be all my sins remember'd.

"Another! Give me another!" Sirius cried.

"Macbeth!" Peter screeched.

"Out damned spot!" Sirius laughed. "One more!"

"West Side Story!" Lily called out.

"Uh, that's not technically Shakespeare, Lily. Besides, we're Magic. We don't watch stupid American Muggle movies that were made in 1961, winning ten Academy Awards, ten Oscars, starring Natalie Wood and Richard Beymer. We've never even heard of it." Sirius replied scathingly.

"Bugger." Lily whined.

"Wow Sirius, how'd you do that?" Peter asked.

"Well Peter, William Shakespeare as we all know is a huge flamer. Well, And this has been stricken from the Black Tapestry history and so forth, but my Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Grandfather was the love child of William Shakespeare and Oscar Wilde. To escape the shame of his heritage he married Celia Black who was second cousin to Her Wizarding Majesty, the Magic Queen of England. Celia Black was a Duchess so he took her surname.

"This highly upset my Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Grandfather William Shakespeare who was destroyed when his son Hamlet Romeo Bassiano Ernest Macbeth Shylock Arthur Sevile Orlando Othello Dorian Gray Shakespeare changed his name to Orion Black. So he placed a curse on all of the offspring of this love match and made it so that all of their children and their children and so on would have all of the works of both William Shakespeare and Oscar Wilde stored in their brains to be recalled at any time they want. And also they would all be forced to have cheesy star names like Orion, since Orion Black seems to so prefer that. The End."

"Wow." Lily gaped astonishedly.

"Yeah," Peter added unhelpingly.

"So, like, why don't _you_ try out for the school play then, since you already know all the lines." asked James.

"Because drama is Remus' thing." Sirius answered quickly.

"It seems like drama is in your blood, though, Sirius." Lily commented.

"Huh. Yeah, well maybe I will then, I guess. It'll be easy enough, for me." Sirius responded.

"Fine then!" Remus cried in an outburst. "Just take away my dream and hopes and aspirations and everything else that has ever mattered to me and leave me to die!" Remus through the papers the script he was rehearsing from into the air and ran upstairs into his dorm room.

"See, I told you drama was his thing," Sirius laughed, though he looked towards the stairs leading to the boys dormitory with a worried look in his eye. He'd check on Remus in a bit.

"So, do you know everything from Shakespeare then?" Lily asked with awe still in her voice.

"Sure, I was the one who helped James to copy all those love sonnets he gave you." Sirius said. James looked down and away from Lily who was looking at him with shock and tears in her eyes.

"You… you didn't write those? I thought those poems were from the heart!" she cried.

"Lily…" James cooed reaching for her.

"Don't touch me! I don't want to be near you!" she screamed and then ran crying to the boys dormitory where Remus was still crying. James and Sirius looked over to Peter who sighed and then followed Lily upstairs.

"Right." James started. "Anyway, I have something important to tell you. Don't freak, okay?"

"Okay…" Sirius hesitated.

"Right. Well it's like this. I think I found my one true love forever soul mate love my love, my one true love, my one and only, my soul mate and I love Love and Love loves me, and the scars on my wrists from earlier yesterday are no longer visible but I knew where they were and will always remember that night as the night that I and my true love were connected together to become one. I know that we will be together forever and one day we will get married and have lots and lots of little Potter-Love babies and at the wedding Love will wear a beautiful white gown because he is so pure and beautiful and innocent and sweet and my loveable cuddly-kins sweetheart and we will live together forever in a small house in the country with a white picket fence and Love will tend the garden and stay at home and watch after James Jr. and Abigail and Mary Jane and Michael and Thomas and Sally and Septimus Octavius. And there will be flowers and rainbows and sunshine and my Sevvy-Poo will always be beautiful and our love would inspire generations of poets and no one else in the world will ever be happy in love because they will see me and my Severus and how perfect and pure and true and fated and meant to be and destined our love is and realize that nothing anyone else could ever have would match our love." James swooned. "So, what do you think?"

'I think I just threw up a little in my mouth."


	8. The Impression that I Get

The Great Hall was packed with student's and faculty when Harry and Draco walked in. The Sorting was just finishing up and "Zzazzle, Zachary" was walking ashamedly to the Hufflepuff table. No one in the hall took notice of the two late arrivals until they both sat down at the Gryffindor table, Harry between Ron and Hermione and Draco on his lap.

Everyone stopped and stared at them in confusion/disgust as they began making cooing noises at each other and feeding one another. Hermione blushed and turned to her ever present book trying to give the couple privacy. Ron muttered a dark "Damn you, cock blockers." And stabbed menacingly at his (disgusting cliché British food here). The hall was slowly following their lead, with every one of the students and faculty trying to distract themselves from the scene the two boys were making at the Gryffindor table.

Moments later they were given just the distraction they were looking for when there came from the head table muffled thumps and the sounds of scooting chairs. All eyes were immediately on the staff table as the student body watched perplexedly the drama that was playing out there. It happened like so; Snape would viciously shove the teacher on his right out of his/her seat (this time it was Binns) and shift himself quickly into their spot. Seconds later Dumbledore would shift into the seat vacated by Snape and start scooting closer and close to Snape's position. When Dumbledore got to the point of physical contact with Snape, the dark haired professor would repeat the process of shoving the next professor out of his/her seat.

They proceeded in this manner, the student body watching on in confusion, leaving a row of angry professors muttering darkly on the floor behind the staff table and rubbing at their sore posteriors. The whole procession stopped when Snape inevitably reached the end of the staff table. Dumbledore crowed in delight and practically launched himself as Severus's spot. In a moment of panic Snape jumped up from the seat just in time for Dumbledore to land clumsily in the empty seat. Everything stopped.

At this moment someone coughed, snapping Snape out of the strange panic stricken trance he had been in. He looked around at the row of angry professors and out at the rows of students staring with barely suppressed laughter at the scene. He turned pink in the cheeks and stormed out the door, stopping only to grab Harry and Draco under one arm and haul them with him. As the doors swung closed behind them cries of "Sevy-poo where are you going?" could be heard from a teary-eyed Dumbledore.

HPDMHPDMHPDMHPDMHPDMECHPDMHPDMHPDMHPDMHPDM

Down in the dungeon Snape walked up to a wall into which was carved a large Bowl of Hygeia; the eyes of the serpent glimmering green in the dim light of the passage. "_Mellita, domi adsum."_ He whispered to it in practiced Latin.

Draco struggled to muffle his laughter under Snape's vicious gaze, and Harry stared back and forth between the two, "What is it?" He whined to Draco.

Draco opened his mouth to answer but was cut off with Snape's hiss of "I'll tell him about your hair."

Draco shut up, and Harry pouted.

The three wizards entered into Snape's private living quarters and sat down in the comfy chairs surrounding the fire. The room was softly lit from the fire roaring in the fireplace and several lamps on the side-tables that sat between each of the chairs. There was a bookcase along one wall crammed full of what appeared to be muggle harlequin romances and ceramic figurines of cute forest animals with overly large eyes. The room was covered in a soft pink lush carpet and the three armchairs that surrounded the fire were overstuffed and covered in floral upholstery. Lace doilies covered the arms and backs of the chairs and a hand crocheted circular rug in a tasteful lilac sat on the floor between them and the fire.

Presently, a house elf appeared, dressed in the traditional Hogwarts uniform, with a tray full of tea, and placed it on a table which it produced with a snap of its fingers in the middle of the lilac rug. The tea was a large one, a white teapot decorated with a posy of roses round the top dominated the center of the table surrounded by three matching cups on saucers along with a matching cream cup and sugar bowl. Surrounding this was an absolute sea of cakes and biscuits; big fluffy cream filled confections covered in powdered sugar, delicate little chocolate truffles, large scones with clotted cream and a variety of jams, and off in the corner, almost as a conciliatory gesture to tradition, was a tiny plate upon which rested a single cucumber sandwich.

"I dare say it is a bit late for tea, but with all that excitement in the Great Hall I scarcely ate a bite." Snape commented as he pulled off his black outer robe to reveal a pair of well tailored beige trousers, a white oxford and pale yellow vest, over which he was pulling on a well worn cardigan in Gryffindor red. He knelt down and removed his shining black shoes and immediately replaced them with a broken-in pair of blue keds. He then sat back upright in his chair and swept his onyx locks back into a low hanging pony tail. "Well," he said to Draco and Harry's stares, "dig in boys. The tea won't stay hot forever. I don't hold with warming charms on tea. Ruins the flavor you know."

Draco and Harry broke out of their stunned states, and, remembering quickly what it was like with Snape, or Uncle Sev as he preferred to be called, out of the public eye. The three sat in companionable silence, eating their sweets and drinking tea, not saying a word to one another until the only thing left on the large table was the lone cucumber sandwich.

Severus then turned his attention to Draco, resting his cup and saucer gently on the side table, and began to engage him in an in depth conversation about the chemical and physical properties of chamomile buds. Harry quickly grew tired of pretending to pay attention and instead stared blankly at the sandwich. Harry is a growing teenage boy, and, as I'm sure you can imagine, staring at that sandwich was making him hungry. After several minutes of staring his stomach let out a growl and Harry grabbed up the sandwich, bringing it to his mouth and taking a bite.

"NO HARRY!" screamed Severus, as Harry began to chew, "SPIT IT OUT YOU IDIOT!!!!!"

Harry continued to chew, slowly, as a cow chewing its cud.

Severus, seeing no other option lunged at Harry and slammed into his stomach making the sandwich bits in Harry's hand and mouth go flying across the room into the fire.

They both stared into the flames where the smell of toast and burning vegetables was starting to waft "What-" Harry began, but was cut off when suddenly there was a burst of bright fuchsia light and a deafening roar from the fireplace.

A few moments later, when the spots stopped swimming in front of his eyes, Harry began to make out a figure standing in the smoke that filled the space in front of the fireplace, "dispersium smokus" He shouted, and the smoke immediately swept up the chimney, leaving the room clear, and a very shocked Sirius Black standing nude in the center of the lilac carpet. The house elves having removed the table when they sensed the removal of the last bit of food from it.

Harry stared. Sirius stared. Harry blinked. Sirius blinked. Snape and Draco sensed that this was a personal moment between godson and godfather and scooted to the edges of the room to make sure they wouldn't be the center of focus.

"Sirius!" Harry yelled and ran to his godfather.

"Pup!" Sirius yelled and ran to Harry.

The two embraced, and Harry began to sob as Sirius ruffled his hair. They remained like that for several long minutes, tightly embraced and staring into each other's eyes, until two things happened simultaneously. First, Remus rushed into the room, alerted as he had been by the forces of nature and life that all werewolves could feel surrounding their mates and pack members that his love had finally returned to the world of the living. Second, Draco, in a fit of modest jealousy, conjured a robe and some pants for Sirius.

Remus all but forcibly removed Harry from Sirius in order to take the boys place, and Harry, suddenly overcome with the situation, sat back in his chair. He stared at his godfather and former professor for several minutes, a contemplative look on his face, before he spoke.

"But wait," He began, immediately grabbing the room's attention, "I don't get it. I was eating a sandwich and then fire and boom and smoke and dead man….wha?"

Everyone continued to look at him as if he had several heads, all of which were clearly not mentally competent. Finally, Draco took pity on his dim witted boyfriend, "Well, isn't it obvious, Sirius was the cucumber sandwich."

Harry continued to stare blankly.

Snape sighed, "Harry dear, don't be silly. Everyone knows that when a wizard is killed by drapery they come back as a cucumber sandwich and must be thrown into a fire to regain their former form."

"Oh, I guess that makes sense," Harry said, paused, and then, "Wait, no, no it doesn't make any sense at all. Why didn't we throw sandwiches into the fire when he was killed in the first place. Also, we EAT sandwich people?!?"

"Not ALL cucumber sandwiches are people Harry," Remus replied, "Only a very small percentage of them, and those have to be magically created by house elves. And I'll have you know I spent days with a house elf making and throwing sandwiches into the fire on the hope that one would be Sirius. Quite frankly, seven pigs, three old witches, and one very confused curtain maker later I realized it was just time to give up and accept the situation."

"Oh," Harry said, and left it at that.


End file.
